Day 1 - A New High = A New Low

I almost didn't, but after much internal strife I convinced myself to get on the scale. After all, if I don't know where I'm starting, I can't know where to go. The scale revealed an all-time high for me - 161.2. It may not sound like much, but I am only 5 feet tall. A ne w high number on the scale is a new low for my life.I certainly don't include my personal weight as a comparison for anyone else. In my mind, plenty of people are healthy and comfortable at 160. However, for me, I know that I only reached 160 by binge eating and other unhealthy habits, and it is the binging that I am really trying to combat. Weight loss would be a great side effect.

In terms of food, the day started off really well. I woke up early to drive with a friend to DC, where I'll be staying for the next week and a half over Christmas. I had oatmeal with almond milk and berries for breakfast, a snack of berries in the car, and we stopped at Subway for lunch (6" turkey on wheat, pepperjack cheese, lots of veggies, honey mustard dressing). We arrived at my brother and sister-in-law's house and that's when the trouble began. As soon as we walked in, Jenny pulled freshly baked key lime cookies out of the oven. I tried to say that I was still full from lunch, but she kept insisting and I was able to limit myself to just one. Then, only an hour later, she suggested that we walk to a frozen yogurt place for a snack. On the good side, we did walk (only about 6 minutes away), I got a low sugar flavor, used the smallest size cup and only filled it half way, and instead of my usual toppings of Oreos, cookie dough, and Reese's, I went with strawberries and only two small scoops of cookie dough. Dinner was safer - chicken noodle soup with a roll.

Looking back, it was definitely not a stellar day in terms of total calories BUT I am trying to look at the positives. I am normally a very negative person, so for me, this is a huge step. So, on the positive list, I limited the car-snacking, only ate a single cookie, and didn't go crazy at the froyo place. As a result, I didn't get sugar headaches, like I normally do post-binge, and I didn't have the awful overly full feeling. And now, as I'm getting ready for bed, I feel pretty certain that I can actually fall asleep fairly soon instead of tossing for a few hours like I normally do after a binge because (1) I have to berate myself for being so weak and (2) my stomach is so uncomfortably full that it is physically impossible to fall asleep. If I focus on these things, I can say that it was a pretty good day.

Tomorrow we are planning on going to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History - hopefully this means a lot of walking, but it probably also means a possible fast food lunch. Fingers are crossed that I'll be able to make smart choices.

Days without incident: 1

And in this corner, weighing in at.....too scared to step on the scale

I have spent the last fifteen years of my life yo-yo'ing between 120 and 160. This blog is my latest effort to try and beat the battle of the binge. I know about nutrition, counting calories, and balancing macronutrients. I know about exercise - previously, I trained for years in martial arts and boxing and have even run two full marathons. And yet despite logically knowing what I need to do to loss and maintain weight, I continually find myself powerless when it comes to food. I would diet for a few months or even a year and lose the weight. When I either reached my goal or thought I could handle an extra snack or two, things always got out of control. Ordering a pizza meant that I would eat an entire box of breadsticks and most of a large pizza. Making a batch of cookie dough would turn into eating full batches by myself every day for weeks on end. Opening a bag of chips resulted in eating a party size bag on my own with  large tub of guacamole.

I have now reached my all-time high weight of 160 - and I'm only 5 feet tall. And 160 is really just an estimate. I just finished eating my breadsticks, pizza, and cookie pie (my farewell meal) so I'm terrified to get on the scale. To keep myself honest, I'll step on in the morning. I'll have a 6 hour drive to DC to be depressed over it. I can't believe I'm actually going to try to stop binging during the holidays, but I'm afraid that if I don't, I'll have to spend next semester's tuition on buying yet another new wardrobe since I'm barely fitting into the one in my closet.

So my plan is not necessarily to diet, but to start eating consciously and getting my butt off the couch. I would like to keep track of what I eat on this blog - not for calorie counting, but to keep myself honest and become aware again of what I'm consuming. Same for working out - posting a workout will just be positive feedback. I'll keep track of days without binging, which is the ultimate goal.

I'd love to hear from anyone who starts reading this blog, anyone who wants a partner on a weight loss journey, and anyone with words of encourage or who has their own story. Fingers crossed....let's get this party started.