I didn't binge, but I definitely ate more cookies, marshmallows, french fries, and whatever other not awesome food choices that were around, And I'm not sure exactly what made today different than any other day. It seems like such stupid, petty little things. We played a frustrating 2.5 hour game session with my brother where I had absolutely no luck. My parents arrived and then they fawn over my sister-in-law. Honestly, I am not a big fan of hers. She is the sweetest girl in the world.....but just annoys me. She's flighty. Playing any game with her is a challenge since she makes a play, decides that another move would have been better, so makes us redo her turn, then decides that she didn't understand the rules and goes back to her original move. And she calls my parents "mom and dad." How petty am I that is the one thing that grates my nerves above all else? I've been at their house for four days now - perhaps I am just reaching my limit. Not sure I can take another four days of family togetherness. Wow, I am an awful person.
Then, my stretchiest of stretch pants are feeling a bit snug in the waist, and my muffin top is blebbing over. You'd think that would be the motivation to NOT eat that extra cookie. Instead, that extra cookie is the one thing that my messed up brain believes will make me feel that little bit better about myself and about my day.
We had another touristy day and went to Mount Vernon. I had my brother take some pictures of me with my friend and me petting the Christmas Camel (seriously, George Washington had a Christmas Camel - it's a real thing). First of all, I hate getting my picture taken. I never take good pictures. I am genetically un-photogenic. But I have no recent pictures of myself and everyone always posts cute pics of themselves on Facebook and damnit, I wanted to be one of those people. So I had him take some pictures....and then I looked at them. My cheeks are puffed out, my neck seems to have a second chin and a wattle, my coat seems to be pulling at the seams, and my legs looks unusually thick. I'm sure that a strange would say that I look just fine, but pictures of myself just undo me every time. Recently, I won a travel scholarship for a national conference, and they asked me to submit a head shot to put in the monthly newsletter. Since I didn't have any recent headshots, I had to ask a friend to take a few pictures of me. She took a few, showed me, agreed that I looked odd, took a few more, agreed they were no better, and watched me start to get teary because looking at pictures of myself is on the anxiety scale of public speaking for me. Seriously, who cries just because of a picture? My eyes are too close together, my neck is too short, my arms have gotten too fat, I have a muffin top no matter what pants I wear, and my thighs now resemble tree trunks. That is all I can see when I see a picture of myself. How do normal people do it? How can I become one of those normal people?
So yeah, back to the title of this post, my enthusiasm and confidence is rapidly dwindling. How am I supposed to gain control over my eating habits when I apparently have no self confidence and can't even handle the frustration of a board game? How am I supposed to regain the body I had ten years ago? Is the alternative just to give up and, instead of trying to lose weight, accept that my binging is just a piece of me and start to work on accepting this new body? I mean, if I saw someone with my body walking down the street, I would never judge her, or think she was too fat, or laugh if she tried to be fashionable. And yet, because it's me, there are different standards.
Days without (major) incident: 4 (but only because I'm surrounded by family). This could be a very loooooong journey.
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