Is it wrong to fake being sick so that I could stay at the house while the rest of my family went to DC to do touristy things? And is it worse that I used that time to eat an entire tub of guacamole and a bag of Tostitos? Family is weird sort of trap. I won't do any overt, major binges when they are around, but being around them absolutely increases my desire to binge.
Today I was very conscious of how my body feels - the extra fat rolls on my back that have crept back, the tightness of my largest jeans that makes me scared to wash and dry them since they'll shrink a little in the dryer, how I have to suck in my stomach to zip up my coat - and how I have to use my old 'fat' coat, since the stylish new coat that I just bought last month barely fits right now. I honestly gained 15 pounds in about 6 weeks. Is that really possible? Can a person physically consume that many additional calories? Apparently it is possible, but even though I feel all the changes in my body, there is still a sense of denial. I also found a scale in my brother's bathroom while everyone was out - was definitely too scared to step on that one. Even though there haven't been any cookie dough/pizza binges, my diet has been terrible. My brother is a basic meat and carb kind of guy, which means that the only vegetables I've been able to eat lately were a salad when we went out and the lettuce and tomato on my burger earlier today. I do love my cookie dough/pizza binges, but I actually do really enjoy vegetables and I kind of miss them.
And I do love vegetables - even when they are not covered in butter and cheese. I love a good salad, steamed broccoli, sauteed green beans....so how can I not be healthy? Because the horrible little voice inside my head also suggests that a bowl of cookie dough would be a fantastic way to end an otherwise healthy meal. I have no trouble putting together a nice, balanced meal. I just have trouble stopping eating afterwards. I will consume so much food that my stomach aches, and I feel as if I can't even take a full breath. Those next few hours are miserable for me - I physically feel awful. And yet as soon as the terrible, overfull feeling goes away, I am back in the kitchen.
Why does this happen? I recognize that my body does not feel good after a binge. That satisfied, ooooh that was so yummy feeling evaporates so quickly and is instantly replaced by guilt, shame, and physical discomfort. So why does the yummy feeling always win out in the mental tug of war? I consider myself to be a pretty smart person. I finished my bachelors in zoology and biology, finished law school, spent four years as a successful attorney, am now back in school finishing a masters, and am hoping to start a PhD program next year. So how is it that I suddenly lose the ability to think rationally and logically when it comes to food? I've heard of people replacing food with exercise - like the high of a binge is replaced with the high after a good run. Now, I've run two full marathons, and I'm not sure I ever felt the same after a 20 mile run as I do when sitting down and savoring that first bite of a binge.
I've been thinking a lot about instituting daily goals. Not necessarily food goals - not binging would be the goal every single day. But other goals that always seem stupid in my head but that all the magazines and psycho-babble recommend. Like going a full day without fat-shaming myself. Or looking myself in the mirror and saying positive affirmations. Honestly, I am not a positive person to begin with, so these things seem like crap to me. I always feel like weight issues are just a battle of will power and you just need to suck it up and do it if you want to succeed. I'm not sure telling myself in the mirror that I'm perfect just as I am will really help.
Anyone have any thoughts on that?
Days without incident - 0 (the guac/chips incident may not have been as major as my previous binges, but I don't think I can overlook it)
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